Quizzes make me barf

*WORLD HISTORY*
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific.

*ASTRONOMY*
Define the universe; give three examples.

*MEDICINE*
You will be provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

*COMPUTER SCIENCE *
Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, create a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

*PUBLIC SPEAKING*
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek.

*CIVIL ENGINEERING*
This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

*MECHANICAL ENGINEERING*
The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

*ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING*
You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

*BIOLOGY*
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probable effect, if any, on the Philippine social spectrum circa 1640. Prove your thesis.

*RELIGION*
Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

*MUSIC*
Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

*LOGIC*
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

*CHEMISTRY*
You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison.

*PSYCHOLOGY*
Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: *Alexander of Aphrodisias , Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, and Hammurabi.* Support your evaluations with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. Translate all quotations in Filipino.

*SOCIOLOGY*
Identify the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

*ECONOMICS*
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

*MATHEMATICS*
You have 60 seconds to mentally solve the mathematical problem below. Begin.
8,256.091 + _________ – ________ x ________ 8 ________ = -38.07623

(Bonus question: Why is 11 not pronounced “onety one?” Provide a full numerical analysis in justifying your answer.)

*POLITICAL SCIENCE*
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

*ART*
Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

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About Kenneth Theodore

I translate ethnic slurs. View all posts by Kenneth Theodore

15 responses to “Quizzes make me barf

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