Monthly Archives: August 2008

Not The Brain!

I had the scare of my life when I found out that as men age, their brains shrink. (Noooo! Not the brain!) The article I have read, however, did not mention of any reason or cause for the aforesaid morsel of information and why, of all the sexes, it is singling out the men. I am not a believer of the proverbial saying “Life is unfair”, but my incredulity has just been dispelled.

I asked myself if it had something to do with the gradual decline of testosterone production over the remainder of man’s life. Or it could be the overindulgence of hand resulting to excessive release of semen. Ugh.

While I was in the middle of dissecting the probable reasons of this abject event, I suddenly felt my brain tightened, compacted and shrunk some more. “Oh God, this is so not fair” was all my flustered mind could squall.

Then something occurred to me.  I am not the only walking man with a shrunk brain on this planet. “Hey dude, can we go get some booze tonight? The shrinkage of my brain has accelerated. Maybe we can celebrate. How about you?”


She’s really nice… BUT?!

The Dweeb: “Are you trying to set me up with _____?” (name purposely omitted to preserve privacy)
Matchmaker Sicko: “Yes! Come on, she’s really nice, not to mention smart which is a major turn-on for you.”
The Dweeb: “What’s her But?”
Matchmaker Sicko: “What do you mean, But?”
The Dweeb: “You know, when someone is trying to set you up with someone, they always tell you the good qualities first, then they leave out the huge flaws.”
Matchmaker Sicko: “Oh no, not every set up has a But. Come on dude, she’s really nice, I’m telling you.”
The Dweeb: “BUT?”
Further parts of this conversation are already neglected.

Makes me think of my BUT. I know I’m nice and er, nice… BUT?! I guess I should do a survey. Or ask my friends. Oh wait, I think I can answer that. How about you, buddy? What’s your precious BUT?


Brrrrrt! That feels good!

And now, let us consider the art of farting and its trickiness. Yes, farting is indeed very tricky. It is the most surreptitious thing a person would do deliberately or not. Most people get rattled when they feel that there’s an air bubble percolating in their butts, especially when they’re with someone, or in a meeting, or in an enclosed quadrant. You suddenly feel the tightness in your whole body (not to mention the butt) and start to sense the air is sucking out of you. You fluster. Beads of sweat start to come out. Suddenly, you learn how to pray. You finally realize that this whole thing is a cunning game. And to win this game, you must simply figure out which approach to employ and then what to do after. Of course, you wouldn’t have to go through the whole ordeal when you’re alone or in your bedroom.

More often than not, fart comes in the most unexpected and awkward place and event. It catches you off-guard. I wonder why. Of course, the best (and probably, the only) way to handle it is to keep it to yourself and think of how to get to the door before it hits anyone. Then again, this one is very risky.

Strangely, it seems that fart is a whole separate entity. It will always have its shrewd way of sneaking back to its owner. There maybe a long list of techniques to avoid being found out, however, this requires sheer cleverness. Some people would promptly spray cologne into their bodies to shroud the bad odor. Some might bring in a new topic to talk about. While others would lift one butt cheek to provide the fart a clear path and slowly squeeze it out, hoping it wouldn’t have a musical accompaniment.

Farts can also lead to sorts of health problems – ulcers, gastroenteritis, and other gastrointestinal problems – if we intervene its emergence. So it is better to just let it all out; don’t fear being shunned or ostracized. Let it loose. Be proud! Some experts say it is even healthy to fart for you release air toxins out of your body. Just one tip, though. Do it with style and grace!


My stash has been infiltrated

Here’s a friendly reminder to every guy who keeps a secret store of their rather valuable items(read: self-indulging paraphernalias). Mixing them up with your other CD collections is not enough. Sooner or later, someone with keen sense will trace your stash, pop it in the DVD player and alas, you are busted. Trust me, it’s already based on my experience. So what do I propose? Rename your stash. Something like “Migratory Patterns of Bar-tailed Godwits”, or “Putting Up A Jigsaw Puzzle: The Basics”, or “Cockroach Dissection Video Clips (Warning: Faint-hearted people must not see this.).


Angst

When the Divine One handed out the gift of craftsmanship in hand drawing, Pablo Picasso was definitely there and basked in that particular moment. While the prolific Spanish artist was busy savoring the gift, I, on the other hand, was away, imbibing Johnny Walker Blue.