Consummate geeks

Today, I am going to prove to you that geeks are the perfect lover. I made this conclusion after a careful analysis by integrating the economics and business concepts which I learned from class.

Why do I say such contention? What do geeks have that simpletons don’t have? I have presented a succinct executive summary below which corroborates my argument.

Minimum capital-effort requirement during the courting stage. Show some effort and sincerity and the geek will tell you right away whether they will commit to you or not. They would not want to waste time for they consider it astronomically essential. If the cost-benefit analysis would show that they will benefit from the relationship, then you’re both happy. But if the relationship is infeasible and non-beneficial, they will straightforwardly turn you down.

Minimal number of competitors. The only competition that would greatly affect your relationship with a geek are the authors of his books, or his professors, who are either dead or dying. I suppose you wouldn’t be jealous of Tolkien, Mortimer or Samuelson, would you?

Significant and immediate marginal benefits. Now who wouldn’t love perks? You will certainly get a lot if your lover is a geek. For the moment, I was only able to identify three. I’m sure you can think of more.

1. All-in-one lover and tutor. Geeks come in handy if you have difficulties in your academics or dissertation. Had you picked a simpleton, all you can glean from him/her is this line, “Cut the crap. Let’s just have sex.” But if your lover’s a geek, he or she will probably utter, “You want me to even illustrate the solution while we’re doing it?”

2. Supplier of “trivia-of-the-day” as well as “word-of-the-day”. Geeks appreciate even the most trivial thing in the world. Ask him something, he can definitely provide a profound explanation about it. Moreover, you’ll learn highfalutin, complicated and multi-syllabic words from geeks, not just d-o-g, c-a-t, p-i-g, and s-e-x.

3. Talking about sex… Great sex partner? Contrary to popular belief, I do not think that geeks are boring in bed. With all those neurons in place, I am quite confident that they can be very aggressive and daring.

Geeks do not depreciate, unlike property, plant and equipment. In contrast, they appreciate with time. Knowledge increases the market value of an individual particularly his salary. For the practical purpose of financial security, I seriously advice you to choose a geek compared to somebody whose market value lies solely on their beauty and charm. Beauty fades and inevitably, their market value would also decline.

Low maintenance cost. You don’t have to go to bars or go out-of-town just to have fun. A normal reading session would already suffice. If you want to go on a date, you can always bring your geek lover to Jolibee or McDonald’s. Just remember one thing: Inform the geek five days before your date to avoid conflicts of schedule, i.e. exams or quizzes, cosplay.

Geeks have low satiation level. Threat of a third party is negligible. You don’t have to worry that your geek will ditch you or something. They don’t easily get dissatisfied. Think of it this way: Geeks love books, which, to begin with, are monochromous and lifeless. Why would then they not love you?

They follow the principle of situational contingency. This simply means they can adapt to different situations. They can adjust themselves to eccentric and foolish behaviors. Say, you guys were faced with a dilemma. Geeks have a knack for this. He’ll probably say, let X = the solution, Y = the problem, Z = the formula. Where Z is equal to the derivative of blah blah multiplied to the square of relative extrema of the blah blah. Concisely, they will use Calculus, Algebra, Geometry and Physics to resolve the problems. Cool, right?

Incremental opportunity cost relative to the long term benefits. Geeks are long term planners. They overanalyze the situations, and plan every single step that they’re going to do until they die. If you want a hassle-free, stable and long term relationship, a geek is the right person for you.

You will acquire strategic competitive advantage once your lover is a geek. Differentiation — everybody wants a hunk/sexy fashionista lover, meaning, you’re unoriginal and platitudinal. If your lover is a geek, you differentiate yourself from the rest. Alliance Strategy — you ally yourself with a walking cerebrum. Focus — introducing your geek lover to your friends would never be an embarrassment. You can tell your friends all the extraordinary things that your geek lover can do. But if your lover is just mediocre, you would just say, “Mabait ito eh, kaya mahal ko.” Yeah right. Vague and overused.

Geeks have a promising future — wouldn’t you want to be loved by the next Bill Gates? There are quite a number of geeks who were able to claim international recognition. This is simply because they know what they want and they have the capability to get it. I am not sure if I was able to successfully persuade you with my propositions. But trust me people, I am a part-time geek.

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About Kenneth Theodore

I translate ethnic slurs. View all posts by Kenneth Theodore

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