Poster’s Note: This speech should be delivered before a heap of graduating kindergarten students. Hey, the earlier we enlighten the kids about how vicious the cosmos could be, the better.
Hark, graduates! Lendeth me thy ears!
Yes, our kindergarten days may have already come to an end, but this is just the beginning of a very wonderful, and at the same time, rough journey ahead of us. As I glare upon your chipper faces, allow me to congratulate you for surviving the grueling years of reading classic poems and fictions, embracing Aesop and his fables(not to mention, the difficult task of figuring out Aesop’s actual birthplace), expanding your basic geographical knowledge and apprehending the intricate details of those colossal structures and sculptures by the Greeks. Indeed, we have undergone a very difficult odyssey. So what awaits a young optimistic kindergarten graduate such as yourself? A lot.
First, you’ll go to primary school. I know it sucks, but you need to. That would be another seven years of backbreaking algebra problems and puzzling grammar rules. Then you’ll go to secondary school. Again, more years devoted to the study of calculus, advanced trigonometry and advanced chemistry. But please, do not let your enthusiasm falter. There is always a bright side somewhere. A 10% increase in allowance would be very very nice. Later on, you’ll attend college. What for, you ask. Employers only hire people who have earned at least a bachelor’s degree. Then if you want to fatten out your paycheck, pursue a master’s degree.
Now you have a great career, you have fulfilled your dreams and you have created your own family. Sweet. Then later on, you’ll retire with a pension plan. Sweeter.
Of course, what I have mentioned is too simplistic and surreal. Not everyone will attend college, or perhaps, not everyone will retire with a pension plan. Now, let me describe you what the real world is.
Let’s face it. The real world out there is abundantly filled with overly smug jerks, assholes, despots, tyrants and the like who would relentlessly make you suffer and feel bad about yourself. Your good traits will be overlooked, while on the other hand, your negative attributes will always be taken into account.
The real world will continuously throw intractable gauntlets at you, until you get weary and give up. Yes, fellow graduates. We must face the real world with an undeniably formidable form.
In a nutshell, the real world is one bitchy planet. And it’s even becoming bitchier each day. The real world will do everything it could just to dismantle you. But fear not, dear graduates. All these will still depend on our own personal perspectives and choices in life. Choose your path very well. Your choice will be irreversible and warranted with cascades of dire consequences.
So there you have it, fellow graduates. It’s a whole different world out there. Blend in and conquer it like a true barbarian. Watch how the civilization will decline. And no, you’re not allowed to weep. Congratulations, batch (insert year here)! We did it! Well, almost.